We're a bit late with our Eurovision review this year (OOPS) but, now, all 37 songs from this year's contest are about to get the Mortensen treatment. Some of them are good, some are bad, and some are just terrible. There are only a handful of songs we actually like this year which probably isn't a good thing when it's a) being held in our home country and b) we're going to the final. AGAIN.
NOTE: We're using capital cities as an example for this, as it's usually them who announce the Eurovision votes, even though the winning country's capital may not necessarily host it the following year (see Malmö 2013 and Düsseldorf 2011).
(You get the idea...)
Enjoy.
ALBANIA: Well, it's better than previous efforts, though it's still no It's All About You. That's all we've got on that one.
ARMENIA: Ooh, we like this. It's also better than that hideously shit song they sent last year. Hopefully Armenia will win and we won't see Azerbaijan in Yerevan next year. There is, however, too much competition up top, so it's unlikely to. Pity.
AUSTRIA: IT'S CONCHITA! Who should have represented Eurovision in 2012 instead of that neon pap rap crap! And, whilst it sounds like something Ian Fleming forgot to record for one of his Bond theme tunes, it doesn't sound too bad and hopefully we'll see Austria back in the final for the first time in God knows how many years! Nice work, Austria!
AZERBAIJAN: You're getting nothing from us, Azerbaijan. Nada. Zip. Nil points.
BELARUS: This is rubbish, Belarus. Why did you not do what you'd done in previous years and change your song/singer? No points from us for this. See you in the semis.
BELGIUM: The Belgians have, to our knowledge, always sent songs that are a bit questionable to Eurovision (remember Copycat circa 2009 and Roberto Bellarosa from last year?), and this one is no exception. It's another no from us.
DENMARK: We usually like our entries but we're afraid we're not keen on our song this time. It sounds a bit like an Eric Saade throwback but, whilst we like Herr Saade, it's safe to say Copenhagen won't be hosting Eurovision again next year.
ESTONIA: Last time Eurovision came to Copenhagen, Estonia won the whole thing. This time round, however, we're afraid the Swedes will accuse them of ripping off Euphoria and they won't come anywhere close. We do like the song, though, and we can probably forgive them of choosing the wrong song from their national final.
FINLAND: Safe to say we don't think the Finns can do much wrong this year. They gave us a good song last year but it sadly upset most of the Eastern Europeans and Soviet states so it's fair to say this one should do a bit better. At least, we hope it does...
FRANCE: Another year, another shit song from the French. Singing about moustaches isn't going to help them and nor will Eurovision be going to Paris next year.
FYR MACEDONIA: This song has actually grown on us for some weird reason and we're not entirely sure why.
GEORGIA: AAARGH! Eurovision's been invaded by hippies! NEXT!
GERMANY: Is that Ellen DeGeneres on a bad day? Nope, it's Elaiza, and we're afraid it won't be going to Berlin next year. Sorry, Germany, but we're not keen on this one.
GREECE: After Greece sent a group of men in kilts with moustaches singing a rather naff song about free alcohol, they've sent another group of men, this time good looking men, with instruments singing a brilliant dance-type number that wouldn't go amiss in the clubs of Crete. We're not sure the Greeks will want Eurovision going to Athens again next year, though. They can't really afford it.
HUNGARY: Hungary sent a funky hipster last year, which didn't really work, so they've gone back to the high-energy song option. And we like the song as well, if only for the fact we quite fancy their singer. (Did we say that out loud?)
ICELAND: Sorry, Iceland, but Eurovision won't be going to Reykjavik any time soon. This song is a load of old cack!
IRELAND: Another good song from Ireland which has the potential to win. Mind you, we said that last year, and they ended up winning the wooden spoon! PS: Thank you for saving the world from Eoghan Quigg but could you not have done that with Jedward... TWICE?!
ISRAEL: MUCH BETTER! Eurovision isn't going to be held in Jerusalem next year, however, but it's a good effort.
ITALY: Nice to see the Italians going for the rock music option this year. Love it!
LATVIA: If we knew they were coming, we'd have a baked a cake. That's all we've got on that one...
LITHUANIA: What's with all the shouting? Can't you tone it down a touch? We don't like the song much either. See you in the semis.
MALTA: We weren't sure of this song at first, as it wasn't our favourite from the never-ending Maltese national final, but now we love it. Not sure Eurovision will be going to Valletta next year for the second year in a row (Malta won the Junior Eurovision Song Contest last year and that will be held there this year) but we hope they finish in the top ten again this year. Their smiley doctor from last year did good!
MOLDOVA: What in God's name have Moldova sent? Thankfully, it's not a tuneless shoutathon, but it's not Pasha Parfeny either. It'll probably still qualify though.
MONTENGRO: Ooh, we actually quite like this one. And Sergej isn't bad looking either! (Did we say that out loud?)
NORWAY: Oh, Norway. Norway, Norway, Norway. You usually send good foot-stompers to Eurovision and you send THIS?! A song that's as dull as dishwater sung by Lee Boardman on a bad day?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
POLAND: Whilst we're glad Poland are back after taking two years out, it's fair to say that Eurovision ain't going to Warsaw any time soon either. This crap rap song is three minutes of our life that we won't get back!
PORTUGAL: Well, it's better than stuff they've sent in the past (remember the crap demonstrators from Düsseldorf 2011?), but Lisbon still won't be hosting for the first time next year. Sorry.
ROMANIA: Thank you, Romania, for saving Europe's sanity with this song and leaving the vampires back home in Transylvania this year! There's hope for you yet!
RUSSIA: They have a rubbish song, sung by two twins who once one Eurovision's junior sibling and they're getting nothing from us this year. Not since they've pissed off about 99.9% of gay people around the world, including us, and we can't believe they're still showing their faces on the Eurovision stage. They'll probably still make the final, though. It is 'Mother Russia' after all.
SAN MARINO: Who, in the SMTV press office, decided sending Valentina for the third year in a row was a good idea? Surely there are other people you could send, even if it means nicking bands/singers from neighbouring Italy? Still, we can't blame her for trying.
SLOVENIA: Last year, we sent a young girl to Eurovision, and she had backing flute player, which won. This year, Slovenia thought they'd try the same thing, except she plays her own flute. What could possibly go wrong here?
SPAIN: Some of you will probably recognise Ruth Lorenzo from the UK's version of The X Factor. She was dull then and she's still dull now so Spain may have another year of Eurovision misery on their hands. They probably should have sent Brequette to stand any chance of reaching the left-hand side of the board. That was a much better song.
SWEDEN: YAY FOR SANNA! And YAY for another Swedish stormer! It's also one of the favourites to take the title back to Stockholm two years after they last won it. But can they win it again? Only time will tell...
SWITZERLAND: Last year, it was all about a Salvation Army band. This year, they've sent a fiddler. Sadly, he won't do as well as Alexander Rybak circa 2009 though. Not with this song.
THE NETHERLANDS: After sending a singer singing a song about birds last year, the Dutchies have sent a duo named AFTER a bird singing about the calm after the storm. They should have no problem qualifying again with this... and we hope they do otherwise our Dutch-supporting friend, who will be at the final with us this year, will be proper miffed!
UKRAINE: Rubbish song, rubbish lyrics, no points.
UNITED KINGDOM: If Eurovision doesn't go to Stockholm, Valletta or Dublin next year, can it go to London instead? This song is BRILLIANT and the United Kingdom have been brought back into the 21st Century at last! POWER TO THE PEOPLE!
And that's about it! We will try and blog more here if we can. It's AGES since our last post!
A & O. xx
