The One Mortensen

Ladies and gents, may we present to you the winner of the Eurovision Song Contest 2013...

Looking forward to going to the Parken Stadium for next year's event. We had a brilliant time in Malmö last night and we were dancing around like manic loonies when we found out Emmelie de Forest was announced as the winner even before the remaining four countries had announced their votes!

And how good did the smiling doctor from Malta do? Shame that the UK finished on the wrong side of the scoreboard and we're also gutted for poor Ryan Dolan. Ireland should have finished higher but all the votes seemed to go to the Greeks. Again.

A & O. xx

Excuse us whilst we piss ourselves laughing at the expense of Brøndby IF... WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS! Tenth league title! GET IN!

(Celebratory drinks, anyone?)

A & O. xx

Part two of our Eurovision 2013 song review. Enjoy.

IRELAND: After two years of sending talentless (but still rather energetic) twins, Ireland have gone back for the solo artist option. Northern Ireland are represented at Eurovision this year through Ryan Dolan singing for the Republic and, if he patches up his live singing, they may have a chance of doing well. If he doesn't, we won’t be seeing them in the final.

ISRAEL: Israel have gone back to singing in Hebrew and, whilst we don't understand a word of what's being sung, we still like it.

ITALY: A fully-Italian song being sung by a good-looking Italian guy. What's not to like?

LATVIA: Were Trackshittaz unavailable this year? This song is a bit better though... but only just. We can't see Latvia qualifying again though.

LITHUANIA: At last, a song that ISN'T dull and boring! And Andrius is cute as well! Bravo Lithuania!

MALTA: A doctor singing a cute little ditty about someone called Jeremy who works in information technology. We like the song but we fear that Malta won't reach the final this year. We hope we're wrong, though.

MOLDOVA: Where's the cute Colin Farrell lookie-likie when you need him? No qualification for Moldova this year. The song is a bit bland and boring.

MONTENEGRO: Another one who obviously didn’t see Austria last year. Still, at least the song's listenable and isn’t another Euro-Neuro. We still have no idea what the hell that song was about.

NETHERLANDS: This sounds like Lana Del Rey meets Adele but it's still a decent enough song. The Netherlands have been robbed over the years and if a well-known, award-winning and multi-talented Dutch singer can't make the final for them, who can?

NORWAY: Another brilliant song from our Norwegian neighbours and, if us or Germany don't win, we'd like Norway to win again so we can enjoy another trip to Oslo. They should have finished higher than they did last year.

ROMANIA: Like with Croatia and so many countries before it, Romania have also gone for the classical/popera option. We sense disappointment for them this year.

RUSSIA: Russia have opted for a ballady-type song this year and it's a bit boring but it'll still qualify anyway.

SAN MARINO: Valentina’s back – minus her social network. It's also a much better song than the one she sang last year and it might even get somewhere so she's forgiven.

SERBIA: Well done, Serbia, you've clearly sent the sluttiest song of the Eurovision Song Contest 2013!

SLOVENIA: Ooh, an actual dancy-type song that ISN'T a ballad! Nice one Slovenia!

SPAIN: We can do a bit of folk rock and this is another cute little ditty. Not sure what they're singing about though. We don't speak Spanish.

SWEDEN: This year's host nation have sent someone who, for the first time ever, won their second chance round. It's a good song as well and we're going to enjoy seeing it being sung live in Malmö. Sweden probably won't win it twice in a row but they'll definitely come close, possibly even top five again.

SWITZERLAND: The Swiss have sent their Salvation Army who, under EBU rules, have had to change their name and uniform in order to continue their participation in Eurovision. They do have a good song though and we think they may even get into the final this year.

UKRAINE: Sorry, Ukraine, but your song is a bit boring.

UNITED KINGDOM: And, finally, the United Kingdom, who have an absolute stormer of a song this year. We're looking forward to seeing Bonnie Tyler too and she can still sing and hold a note in key, so that's even better. Will London be hosting Eurovision next year though? We highly doubt it, but we're certain Bonnie will do well anyway.

And that's it, all 39 songs have been reviewed! But who will win? Stay tuned...

So, here it is, our full review of this year's Eurovision Song Contest entries. As with last year, it's a joint effort but we've had help from a couple of others on this, so here goes...

ALBANIA: No animals are being harmed in the singing of their song this year. Shame the same can't be said for trying to sing. Probably no need to call the Albanian rozzers though. Yet.

ARMENIA: Ah, yes, Gor Sujyan. The guy with about as much charisma as a wet sock. Was there any point in Armenia coming back this year? This song is weak and will probably go nowhere. Where's Emmy and her massive boxing glove when you need her?

AUSTRIA: Well done Austria, you've picked a much better song this year. No charismatic rappers rapping out of key or dancers wearing day-glo clothing in sight.

AZERBAIJAN: Farid is the first ever male solo artist to represent Azerbaijan and he's also easy on the eye. We can't see Eurovision going back to Baku next year however. Good thing, really. Some of the far-right Azeris spoilt it for everyone last year, which was a bit of a shame.

BELARUS: Yet again, Belarus changed their song and, yet again, they won't reach the final. Well, actually, they might just squeeze into the final but they won't win. Not with this song.

BELGIUM: Roberto might be nice on the eye but he's not making the final. The song is bland and he can't sing live and in key. If we were him, we'd book the first plane back to Brussels after the semi-finals and wouldn't make a weekend out of it. Sorry Belgium!

BULGARIA: This duo got fifth place first time round. They won’t go any higher than that this time around. The song is far too shouty for our liking.

CROATIA: Did someone lose the piece of paper that says classical/popera songs and Eurovision just don’t go together? Sweden, Slovenia, France and others have tried it and, whilst they made the final, they got lost in the mix of all the uptempo songs around it. We still don't like any of them so we can see Croatia suffering the same fate as the others.

CYPRUS: Don't worry about your money troubles, Cyprus, Eurovision won't be going to Nicosia next year. See you in the semis.

DENMARK: Our very own royal has a wonderful and catchy little song and we're the bookies favourites to bring Eurovision back to Copenhagen next year. We might even get one or two votes from the Irish as well, as it has a Celtic feel to it, and we absolutely love our song! Held og lykke Emmelie!

ESTONIA: Dull and boring. NEXT!

FINLAND: Krista is the third Swedish-speaking Finn in a row to represent Finland but, whilst we like this song and it's more uptempo than the previous two, we can't see Helsinki getting ready to host Eurovision next year either. There's very stiff competition up top again.

FRANCE: Désolée, France, mais votre chanson c'est merde!

FYR MACEDONIA: We preferred Imperija and we can't see this song going anywhere to be honest. Sorry Macedonia!

GEORGIA: Oh, we LOVE this! It's sung by a duo and it's about water but they're not foolish idiots like the ones who sang about water last year and they might just even do well! Nice one Georgia!

GERMANY: CASCADAAAAA! There are essences of Euphoria in this song but, as it's Cascada and we're actually going to be in Malmö to see them live, we can forgive them for it.

GREECE: More tuneless and shouty shit from the Greeks. They were planning on dropping out this year. With this song, they probably should have done.

HUNGARY: Bye Alex! See you in the semis.

ICELAND: We're still not overly keen on this song but at least it's better than the tuneless efforts from Belgium, Hungary, Belarus and Greece. Eyþor is no Jónsi, granted, but he can still sing.

Part two (starting with Ireland) coming up momentarily...