Hey all. Anthony's opened up the blog to let his friends and family post here so he's not going it alone so I thought I'd be the first to post here. I'm Rachael, by the way. But you can call me Rach.
So, where do I start? I've just turned 35, I'm from a little place in the North West of England called Liverpool, I was born as a twin but separated at birth and I have recently fallen in love with another woman.
When I was at school, I had to hide in the closet from the class bullies, then I found my biological mama when I was eighteen, but I hid my true sexuality from her given her strict religious views. I've always pretended to be someone I wasn't. Much like a very good friend, I realised I was attracted to both sexes when I was school, but he couldn't hide his as well as I could. I fell in love with another man, Paul, at our school prom after both our dates stood us up and we'd been happily married for four years but, sadly, we were involved in a massive car crash. As he lay in a coma in hospital, I made a promise that, if I couldn't have him, I didn't want anybody else (incidentally, as I type this, I'm currently listening to If I Can't Have You by A1, one of my all-time favourite bands) and, until very recently, I kept my word. He tragically lost his fight for life a few hours later aged just 24 and I still miss him so very much. He left me with two wonderful children, one of whom is just about to sit her GCSE examinations, and I know they also miss him dearly.
In the twelve years since his death, I've raised both our children single-handedly, and have made many mistakes along the way. I've still fancied people of the both sexes and, for years, I've identified as a closeted bisexual (until a few days ago, the only people who knew my true sexuality were my three best mates but, sadly, one of them died two years ago this summer after being violently assaulted, and I still miss his hugs) but I now identify as pansexual. The difference between the two is that pansexuality also involves personalities so, as well being attracted to both sexes, you don't care what they look like before they go down between your legs. If they're a total minger on the outside, but have a decent personality, that's all I care about.
It's what's inside that matters to me.
As I mentioned before, I've recently broken my promise to my late husband to finally find love again, this time with someone of the same sex, and he'll now be looking down on me wondering where it all went wrong. I've always found her attractive and, a few weeks ago, we shared a kiss for the first time. It was wonderful. I don't know it happened, it just did. The way my heart pounded and my stomach tied itself into knots whilst feeling her arms around me with her warm naked body against mine for the first time, I knew I couldn't deny my feelings any longer. The sex is amazing and she's a fantastic kisser. Like me, she also has two wonderful children from a previous relationship, and she'd also been hiding her sexuality for years because she wasn't sure how her mum would react to it. I told her that her mum had two lovely children, one of whom was actually gay, so I'm sure she wouldn't object to it. Her mum has actually accepted our relationship and, whilst I was afraid that my mum wouldn't, she has as well. I wasn't sure how she'd react, given the fact she's both Italian and Catholic, so I'm happy they've both given us the seal of approval and we can now move on.
I'm still not fully lesbian, I'm just in a relationship with someone who now identifies as such (she's the sister of the same deceased friend I've previously mentioned and also has a wonderful personality), and I never thought I'd ever get to experience that again. We've since moved in together and I hope to marry her one day but, for now, just being close to her will do nicely.
If, one day, our kids also decide to come out of the closet, I won't mind. Who am I to object now that I'm in a same-sex relationship? I suspect at least one of them may be after I caught him watching gay porn on his tablet the other week and, after we got caught mid-shag by one friend and mid-half-naked-snog from another (oops! Still blushing...), I can now see where he gets it from.
I have finally found the real me and all my family deserve now is happiness. That's all I'm asking for.
