Dear Owen,
Well, this is it. I have a heavy heart and tears in my eyes writing this. You've finally gone over the rainbow and into the white light. It’s only been a few hours and, whilst I try to enjoy life with the rest of our family and friends, a piece of us, and a piece of me, is missing, and it will never be the same again without you being part of me.
I'll miss you. I'll miss your laughter. I'll miss your (quite corny) jokes. I'll miss being able to spend one more day with you. Basically, I'll miss everything about you. And that's going to take some time getting used to.
I will be thankful for the fourteen years that I did get to share with you, firstly as my housemate back in our university days in Liverpool, then as my partner (I'm still glad I rescued you from the airport that day) and, finally, as my husband. When we got married eight years ago, it was magical and, when we renewed our vows two years ago, it was even better because we then became legally married. I will be thankful for the remarkable relationship that we had, I'm thankful to have had you in my life, and I’m thankful for every second I had with you.
Spending my life without you in it is going to break my heart. Our time together was cut short. You might have been ready to gain your wings, but I was not ready to let you go. We lost you much sooner than any one of us wanted. Why did that wanker have to take you away from us? I feel so much abhorrence with life right now and you only left us a few short hours ago. I know that you are not suffering any more, and you are in a better place, but I miss you so much. I found myself lying in bed last night, wishing you were here to kiss me goodnight like you always used to do. Instead, there was a massive gap where you were supposed to be, and that hurt like hell.
(I'm also missing the snoring and the cuddles.)
I held your hand and gave you a kiss as you slipped away. I told you I loved you and that I will miss you.
(I promise you, that is true. I'm missing you like hell already.)
I'll try so hard to stay strong for everyone and constantly keep a smile on my face because I know you wouldn't want us to dwell too much on your absence and, if you were still here, I know you would too. You would also see how hard I'm working to make you proud. You were only 35, and we became parents to little Jonas just two months ago, and any dreams we had of doing together have been crushed to pieces, just like my heart is right now. I will visit you often, but I don’t know if you will be able to hear me or see me talking to you. I know you will always be with me. I can still feel your presence with me. I really wish you could come back to us because we miss you so much. The last few hours without you has taught me to never take things for granted. You never know when someone you care about will be taken from your life forever, and I will take every breath I have and treat like it is my last, because it really could be. It very nearly was two years ago and you were there for me, just like I was for you, and I have realised that anything can be gone in a blink of an eye. Our carnival may be over but I hope that, when you look down on me, you will be proud of me for achieving my dreams, and I hope you tell all of your friends in Heaven about me.
(PS: Tell my mum and dad I said hello.)
If you were here right now, I would have so much to tell you. We still had so much to do together and I know you would tell me that I'm doing everything right and to not give up, but sometimes it is hard to do so without your encouragement. You would have had open ears and let me tell you all about my problems, then you would just kiss them all away. That I will miss. I can still hear you trying not to laugh when I was crying on your shoulder over the silliest things. It's shocking to think you won't get to chase you dreams like you always wanted to do before you left this crazy world we call Earth and, if you were here sitting next to me right now, I would throw my arms around you and squeeze you until you told me to leave you alone, but I would never let you go. You never know when the last hug you are going to give someone will be.
One punch was all it took... and now my life is fucked.
I love you, I miss you, and I'll never forget the good times we shared together. I wish I could hear your voice one last time. Save a space for me up there in the sky. We will be reunited again some day but, until that day comes, all I have are the memories. And I'll treasure those forever.
(By the way, like I said to you before the big man upstairs took you from my life, if I ever find someone else and marry again, I'll make sure the Mortensen name lives on in your honour. I will definitely promise you that.)
Sleep well, my angel. You'll always be in my heart.
All my love, your ever-loving husband.
Ant. xx
